1. |
Pelican
02:08
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Jeff. Look! That pelican is drinking a beer!
Carl. And he is coming our way.
Pelican. What the fuck you looking at? Like staring at a rummy?
Carl. We wasn’t starting no trouble, Mr. Pelican. It’s just I’ve never
seen a drunk pelican before.
Pelican. Yeah, well, I’ve never seen a sober human before.
Jeff. Calm down, Mr. Pelican.
Pelican. I’ll calm you down, buddy.
Carl. Wow, that pelican can swing.
Pelican. Put ’em up!
Jeff. Here we go, beer guzzler.
(Thunk.)
Pelican. Oh god, my nec—
Jeff. Let’s get out of here.
Carl. Agreed.
Officer. Not so fast, did you hurt Mr. Sisco?
Jeff. I don’t know who that is.
Officer. He’s our local pier pelican and he’s on the ground at your
feet.
Jeff. He started it!
Carl. Don’t say anything without a lawyer.
Officer. Oh, you killed him! You bastard, Mr. Sisco is an under-
cover cop. He’s the deepest pelican we have. I hope they give
you the death penalty.
Jeff. I want my lawyer.
Officer. I’ll see you in court, scumbag.
Court Officer. All rise for the judge.
Judge. Now it’s clear you killed Mr. Sisco, our deepest pelican. Did
you know he had intel on fish schools? Those fish would have graduated on time if it wasn’t for you. They are now riddled with hip-hop and seaweed. They may never see college.
Jeff. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to kill him.
Judge. I’m sentencing you to life, you should be thankful it is not the death penalty.
Jeff. You can’t do this, it was a mistake!
Judge. The sentence stands.
Jeff. This court is for the birds!
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2. |
Oak
01:22
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OAK
Dean. Never been to a Value Barn before, Victor.
Victor. That’s because they started going out of business years ago.
There was some sort of regulation problem with the lead paint
they used.
Dean. Is it the next exit?
Victor. Yeah, Dean, and you want to take the third right after the
light.
Dean. I’m not going to get lead poisoning, am I?
Victor. You should be more worried about the asbestos, it’s every-
where in Value Barn. Also, they sell used kids’ toys at twen-
ty-five percent off Saturdays, which is today, bargain hunter.
Dean. I don’t even have kids! What kind of place are we going to,
Victor?
Victor. Just thought you should consider it, you could make some
good money, like $10 off a $30 investment. Just put your shirt over your nose and don’t touch the walls. Oh, man, this is a thrill going in for the deal. We’re going to make bank, I know it.
Sean. Well, here we are.
Cashier. Welcome to the barn, hope you barn’t going to leave.
Dean. That’s creeper as fuck, Victor. Let’s go.
Victor. Hey, Dean, look, there’s still stuff in the dollar bin.
Dean. I think they put a $1 sign on the recycle bin.
Victor. Don’t be stupid, you can’t recycle lettuce.
Dean. I don’t think that’s lettuce.
Victor. This furniture is amazing, I think it’s a little out of our bud-
get, though.
Dean. This table looks like real oak, and it’s only $50. Look, Victor.
Victor. It’s real oak, all right, I can smell it. Have a smell, Dean.
Dean. If you say so. (Cough. Cough.) Oh my god, I can’t stop cough-
ing. (Cough. Cough.)
Victor. Relax, Dean, let’s buy this thing and go. Wow, it’s light for oak.
Dean. It’s plastic.
Victor. Even better, we can keep it outside. (Cough.)
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3. |
Cake
01:37
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CAKE
Casey. Peanut butter or chocolate?
Sue. Definitely chocolate.
Casey. What would you like me to write on the cake?
Sue. I want a divorce.
Casey. What do you want on the cake?
Sue. I want the cake to say “I want a divorce.”
Casey. Oh, it would have been weird if you had just blurted that out.
Why are you getting divorced with a cake?
Sue. My partner hates cake, I told him I’m bringing home a surprise.
Casey. Why are you getting a divorce? You are always so nice.
Sue. Was so nice, the idiot withdrew our 401(k) and bet all the
money at the worst odds an idiot could find.
Casey. Some people.
Sue. Yeah.
Casey. Hey, Sue, you aren’t seeing anyone else right now, are you?
Sue. No, but I know a cute baker.
Casey. I’m flattered, Sue.
Sue. I’ll take you out tonight after I get divorced.
Casey. I’m flattered, not accepting.
Sue. Know what, Casey, just make the cake.
Casey. That will be $25.
Sue. Did you not hear the story? No 401(k)!
Casey. You don’t like me, you just wanted a free cake.
Sue. Yeah, and I didn’t get it.
Casey. Sue, get the fuck out of my store.
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c.soûle aka wiley soule Seattle, Washington
Mad cook, voice artist, sound designer, electronic musician (he/him) operating out of Seattle. I explore sound in the wide
open, often gentle, sometimes violent emotive space at the nexus of industrial, ambient, bass-heavy, acousmatic, electro and goth music.
Petals and Gears Conspire!
... more
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